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tv   CBS This Morning  CBS  November 7, 2016 7:00am-9:00am EST

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beats me, min, but we'll find out. -- captions oh. [ darrin snoring ] darrin. darrin. darrin. hmm? you're snoring. oh, that's okay, honey. i don't mind.
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good morning, sweetheart. hi, honey. you ready for your breakfast? i'll have to pass, honey -- no time. oh, darrin, do you have to dash off every morning without breakfast? you've hardly been home for dinner, either. i've barely seen you. i know, sweetheart, but i have to have the entire cosmetic campaign ready for that bes mig salting tomorrow morning.
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maybe we could meet for lunch. no, i'm having lunch with one of the execs of the cosmetic company -- some guy named toni devlin. perhaps we could meet for a midnight snack sometime, stranger. i'll eat my lonely breakfast in lonely silence and try to be brave. go now, and don't look back. i have been neglecting you, haven't i? i tell you what -- no matter how much work i have to do tonight, i'll forget about it and come on home and have dinner with you. bye, sweetheart. [ ding! ] may i join you, dear? oh, hi, mother. your mortal roommate seems to be getting the seven-year itch five years early. what do you mean by that remark? oh, when a husband starts working nights, that's a different story. mother, don't you let your suspicious little imagination run away with him. seven-year itch, indeed.
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all it takes is a little rash. do you mind if we change the subject? now, look, i have to go shopping in town, so why don't you come, and then we'll have lunch together? oh, splendid. let's go to some place really chic and dress to the nines. [ ding! ] like it? perfect. they're both witches. charlie leach, private eye, you've really got it made now. chuckles ] charmaine, honey, sweetheart, your loved one is home. oh, did i wake you, honey? no, i'm all dressed up for the senior prom. baby, i've got some great news. you can go right back to sleep after i tell you all about it, huh? no, just having you home makes me too excited to sleep. i only see you 26 hours a day. baby, our problems are over.
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yeah -- how to get the money direct from the mint and eliminate the middleman. no, i'm serious, honey. do you remember a few weeks ago i was doing a little snooping -- i mean, investigating -- for this baby-food company? yeah, and i also remember they fired you for all that crazy talk about witches and black magic. i've been doing some investigating on my own, and i've got some information that's gonna be worth a fortune. you and me are gonna be rolling in dough. [ laughs ] darrin. yeah, larry? meet toni devlin of united cosmetics. i'll be right with you, mr. devlin. oh, excuse me, miss devlin. made the same mistake myself. it's toni with an "i," not with a "y." this is darrin stephens. how do you do? how do you do? now, if you'll excuse me. well, won't you sit down, miss devlin? thank you. i was just going over the art layout for the campaign.
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mr. stephens, i hope my being a woman won't cause us a problem in working together. of course not. why should it? we'll get along just fine as long as we keep it strictly business. i'm not the least bit interested in the flirtatious little games between the sexes. i hope i make myself clear. oh, yeah, crystal clear. let me say something, miss devlin. aren't you being a trifle presumptuous? i'm merely going by the track record in this business. then let me be the record breaker. i happen to be a very happily married man. i have a lovely wife and daughter. and, no offense intended, but i do find you resistible. i deserved that. forgive me. friends? friends. oh, may we go to lunch now? frankly, i'm starved. okay, but i'm warning you, lady. about what? after lunch, i'm bringing you back to this office to show you my etchings. [ laughs ] mother, i haven't been here in ages -- not since darrin and i were dating.
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, that's a man for you. when they're chasing you, there's always some dear, little, romantic "our place." and after they catch you, our place is in the kitchen, with laundromat privileges. samantha! what is it? look at that. this was a favorite spot of samantha's and mine when we were dating. we used to call it our place. kind of corny, huh? but sweet. you really are in love with her, aren't you? well, so what, mother? darrin said he was gonna have a business lunch with toni devlin. he didn't say that toni plucked his eyebrows, did he? i'm sure it's nothing more than what he said, a business lunch. now, for once, listen to me, and let's get out of here. no, i am not sneaking out like an eavesdropping wife. if you don't go, i'm going to do something terrible to him. i mean it. this time i'll really turn him into a frog... forever! you wouldn't.
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rying to stir up trouble. darrin said he'd be home for dinner, and he will. he'll have some last-minute excuse. darrin: sam, i'm home! the voice of treason. samantha! in here, darling. mother, try and be pleasant to him. am i ever anything else? oh, hi, endora. oh, just passing through? what? hi, sweetheart. i made your favorite roast. shame it'll go to waste. why should it go to waste? you always eat enough for three. to get washed and kiss our gorgeous daughter. then i'll be right down. boy, that looks good, and i'm hungry. any questions? oh, something will come up. you'll see. [ vehicle approaches ] and why didn't he mention anything about that woman at lunch? there was no need to. the woman was a client, nothing more.
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hello. you must be mrs. stephens. i'm toni devlin, a business associate of your husband. oh, come in, please. i don't like this -- ah, mother. this is my mother, endora. toni devlin. how do you do? how do you do? i'm sorry to bother you, but i have to discuss some campaign changes with darrin before our meeting tomorrow. well, i don't blame you. this campaign is pretty obvious. i'll get darrin. oh, samantha, this is really the limit -- that -- that hussy, walking right into your home, flaunting herself in your face. mother, she seems very nice. and she hasn't made flaunt one. if you won't do anything about it, i will. [ laughs ] [ hisses ] [ ding! ]
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mother, you change her back right now. i will not. and she stays this way until you come to your senses. goodbye! [ ding! ] mother! mother! [ door closes ] [ tinkles ] [ ding! ] honey, where'd you get the cat? oh, she just, uh, wandered by. she's a cute cat. yeah. uh, why don't we have some hors d'oeuvres? why don't we? it seems we're not having that thing for dinner that always upsets my stomach. what's that? your mother. no offense, but she did leave, didn't she? oh, yes, she left. is something wrong? hmm? you always have that special look on your face when something's wrong.
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yeah? promise you won't get mad? i promise. what? oh, no! darrin, you promised you wouldn't get mad. i am not mad. i'm furious! look, honestly, i never mistrusted you for a moment. you shouldn't have. you didn't have any reason to. n't just stand there. let's give miss devlin some milk. here, kitty, kitty. here, miss devlin. oh, no! she's gone. what am i gonna do now? i have to have her at that meeting tomorrow.
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darrin. darrin, here, drink some coffee.
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some police force we got -- they can't even find a stray cat. but if that cat double-parked, wham, they'd find it. [ telephone rings ] i'll get it. hello. oh, hello, larry. have you talked with miss devlin this morning? miss devlin? uh, no, why? i tried to reach her, but they said she didn't get back to her hotel. i hope there's nothing wrong. oh, i'm sure there's nothing wrong, larry. she did say something to me about visiting her aunt or something. we'll see her at the meeting, then. oh, surelarry. don't worry. i'll see you soon. bye. we've got to find her in time for that meeting. we've got to find mother so that she can change that cat back into miss devlin. sam, what if miss devlin got ahold of some bad garbage and is lying sick in an alley somewhere? [ doorbell rings ] hmm. i'll get it.
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[ gasps ] good morning, mrs. stephens. oh, no. not you again. charlie leach, private eye, in person. darrin: who is it, honey? your friendly neighborhood blackmailer. what do we have to do to get rid of you, send you to the moon in a rocket? i can do it without the rocket. you don'frighten charlie leach with your witchcraft. i know the magic word -- c-a-t. i do believe that i have a wonderful proposition that would be mutually beneficial. okay, make it fast. in a word, i have the little lady with four legs and a tail, and in a safe place. being the generous soul that i am, i'm willing to share my good fortune with you. she's all yours. what's the catch? oh, there's no catch. you hand me a million dollars cash,
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e you out of your skull? where would i get a million dollars? in her nose. all she has to do is wiggle it, right? i'm afraid he's got us, honey. make with the nose. okay. but my powers are limited, you know. i can't produce that much money all at once. well, you better figure out something fast. otherwise, you'll never see that lady with the furry face no more. i've got it. yeah, a money tree. a money tree? a money tree! a money tree? [ ding! ] wow, $100. oh, i do believe i have died and gone to the great savings and loan in the sky.
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hey, wait a minute. there are only 10 bills -- $1,000 dollars. our deal was for a million dollars. now, what about it? what about it? it blooms a new batch every 24 hours. yeah. now may we please have our cat? yeah, in 24 hours... ...if this thing works. well, i can't wait that long. that cat has to be at a meeting at 11:00. that's fair enough, mr. leach. one thing, though. promptly at 9:30? it's very important. 9:30 -- and this thing better work. oh, don't worry, it will. bye. bye. charmaine, honey, sweetheart, your lover boy is home. what is it with you and anyone sleeping past the crack of dawn? aw, honey, this is worth waking up for.
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in the morning he loves it. i'll take you dancing every night. as a matter of fact, i'll buy you your own dance hall. now, just feast your eyes on that. you roll me out of a sound sleep to look at a bush? this is a money tree. it grows $100 bills. $100 bills. yeah. and it grows a new batch every 24 hours. i guess it sounds sort of crazy, huh? it should. the words came from a crazy place. see. excuse me. i got to go and feed the cat. what cat? a very special cat -- this cat goes to meetings. what did i do to deserve this? here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty. here, kitty, kitty. here, miss. [ cat meows ] ah. i hope you liked mackerel when you were a lady. honey, if your witchcraft ever worked,
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we witches are very reliable. he should be feeding her... right this minute. [ tinkles ] [ ding! ] [ squeaking ] [ meowing ] [ giggling ] honey, don't you think that's enough? he's just supposed to feed the cat breakfast, not be it. herbs and spices, suet and fat, change the rodent back into that rat. [ tinkles ] [ ding! ] oh, thank goodness.
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lephone rings ] hello, mr. leach. yes, and my wife will do it again if you don't bring that cat back. yes, i'll wait for you. goodbye. he's bringing the cat right over. thank you. well, now, you take her to the office, and i'll call you there. i'm gonna see if i can find mother. you be careful. don't worry. remember, i was flying before i could walk. [ ding! ] oh, good morning, larry. darrin, i don't like it. we'd better call the police. miss devlin just disappeared from the face of the earth. i'm sure she'll show up, larry. what are you doing with that stupid cat? please don't talk that way in front of the cat. have you flipped? [ intercom buzzes ] yes. woman: mr. stephens, would you tell mr. tate the gentlemen have arrived for the meeting? thank you.
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[ meows ] change, already, change! hello, darrin? i found her in tibet. she came to have tea with the lord high lama. oh, just in time, too. what? okay, put her on. nimbus nambus krishna fren, make the cat that woman again. [ ding! ] that did it, honey. come on home. where am i? oh, we better get to the meeting. meeting? oh, for some reason, i feel so strange. it's commonly called a hangover. we had a pretty big night last night. we did? yes, we did. boy, never again. larry! yes? miss devlin, i didn't see you come in.
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the phone from tibet? wrong number. oh.
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leaves, leaves, nothing but leaves! i've been duped! oh, they promised me that this would grow money this morning. you didn't really mean that jazz about the $100 bills? i sure did, and i'll prove it to you. i picked a whole batch of them yesterday and put them in my wallet. now, here, you go out and buy something real nice for yourself. gee, i don't know how to thank you. oh.
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my luck -- i haven't either. -- ca [ gasps ] [ ding! ] [ ding! ] [ ding! ] samantha! oh, hi, sweetheart. i, uh, i didn't expect you home so early. that's pretty obvious. sam, is this the kind of thing that goes on behind my back all the time? no. now, darrin, i-i broke that vase, a-and it's a present from your uncle albert, so naturally, i thought -- you thought you'd just ring-a-ding-ding your nose and put everything back together again. sam, you're getting to be more witch than wife.
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no, i didn't. you didn't tell me until our wedding night, if you remember. darrin. what? i wonder about that sometimes. if i had told you i was a witch... would you have still married me? well, yeah. yeah, of course. oh, thank you. that's very broad-minded of you. oh, come on, sam. i said i would, didn't i? not very convincingly. well, how can anyone be sure of a thing like that? i am reasonably certain. tive. yes, i would. okay? okay. well, i'm, uh, going to go upstairs and say hello to the baby. you do that.
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endora: well... that was sweet and tender. oh, hi, mother. there is a way to find out
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d like to know whether he would have proposed to you if you told him you were a witch. well, i can put you back in the past so you can find out. oh, no, no, mother. darrin's angry enough. i wouldn't want to upset him anymore. he won't be. he'll go back in time, and when he returns, he'll never remember a thing. now, mother, this is between darrin and me. so will you please change the subject? why, of course, dear. [ ding! ] you know the weather is very lovely on the riviera this season. you owe yourself a trip, samantha. mother... you don't believe darrin would have proposed to me, right? and there's such an interesting group of people there. there's a young, divine italian director. and there's that crazy french novelist -- mother. no, i don't think whatchamacallit would have married you. well, you're wrong. there always will be a doubt, won't there? [ sighs ] oh, let me send you back, samantha.
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now, sometime in the past, you're going to tell him you're a witch. when do you think that would have been? well, there was the time i went to cook dinner in his apartment. i almost told him then, before he proposed. that sounds very, very good. now, mother, no nonsense. no, no, no. when you go back to the past, it'll be exactly as it would have been. now, then, come here. ah. thunder, lightning, [ thunder crashes ] rain, hail. rummer, dummer, lummer, bane. backward, turn backward, oh, time, in thy flight. let her find out what would happen that night. [ whistling ]
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mr. stephens? oh, yes, i am. how about that? i'm your friendly cosmetic lady, and we're introducing a new kind of kiss-proof lipstick. i'd like to leave you a sample. oh, well. it's a marvelous product. i'll take all you have. you look beautiful. you're just saying that because you're handsome. well, here we are. yes, i guess i am. here you go. thank you. [ soft piano music playing ] to you. ooh! oh, ah, oh, i'm sorry. i-i meant for this evening to be special,
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darrin... this is sort of a special evening for me, too. y-you see, there's something i have to tell you. bet i can guess what it is. you couldn't possibly. you forgot to bring the things for the dinner you're going to cook me, right? no. no, you'll have your dinner. i can...whip up a dinner out of nothing. well that's just what we've got in my refrigerator -- nothing. no, i-it's something about me i really think you should know. i know all i need to know about you. i-i don't think so. i-it's about my family. we're, um, different. samantha, i'm not interested in your family. i'm interested in you. i wouldn't care if they were shoplifters, moonshiners, or cattle-rustlers. [ laughs nervously ] if it were only that simple. um, darrin, i think you'd better sit down.
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you love me, don't you? i've been doing my best to give you that impression. well, here goes. darrin, i'm a witch. well, nobody's perfect. no, i-i'm serious. i... am... a witch. well, um, what makes you say that? no, i mean i am. i'm a house-haunting, caldron-stirring, broom-riding witch. sam, i'll tell you what we're going to do. i'm going to take you out to a nice, quiet restaurant. we're going to have dinner, and after the dinner, i'm going to take you to a very funny movie. darrin, i told you we could have dinner here. and i think it might be a better idea if we had dinner at a restaurant. well, if you don't believe me, i... guess i'll just have to prove it. [ tinkles ]
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oh. careful, hot plate. ah! that is hot! um, well, i-if -- if you don't like roast beef, uh, maybe you'd like a turkey dinner. [ tinkles ] [ ding! ] you're a witch! yes, darrin. i mean, y-you really are a witch. w-were you born that way? mm-hmm. um, mother's a witch, father's a warlock. i see. now that you know, does it make any difference? uh, no! no, no, no, no, no, no, of course not. why should it? what's the difference? well, who cares about a little thing like that? oh, darrin.
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darrin, here are my layouts for the salad-oil campaign. just pour them on the desk, larry. please, darrin, no jokes about the accounts. sorry, larry. hey, wasn't your girlfriend gonna cook dinner last night? how'd it go? please, no jokes about my love life. sorry, darrin. but she's beautiful. what do you care if she can cook or not? oh, she can cook. she can do anything. then what's the problem? larry, i had the shock of my life last night. yeah? yeah? samantha is... no, you'd never believe me. of course i'll believe you. go on. you'd never believe me, larry. i'll believe you. tell me. you'd never believe me! try me! she's a witch! [ laughs ] darrin, take it from an old married man. all women are witches. if you really love her and she loves you, what's the difference? but she's a "witch" witch. w-i-t-c-h! oh, come off it, darrin.
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she's a witch! if you keep on with this fruitcake routine, you'll have a permanent vacation! if she were here, she'd tell you she's a witch! samantha: is that what you really want? it certainly is! what is the matter with you? [ ding! ] uh... samantha, um, i'd like you to meet my boss, larry tate. charmed. [ ding! ] [ ding! ] i -- uh, i-i mean, i'm, uh, i'm, uh, enchanted. [ ding! ] [ ding! ] how about bewitched, mr. tate? i, uh... well, i didn't mean to, uh... no offense. none taken. samantha, thank you for popping in. oh, don't mention it. and now i'll just, um, disappear, the way you did last night. [ ding! ]
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between mcmann & tate and another agency, could she, uh... make him choose us? [ ding! ] certainly. the girl is just what we need. the trouble is, i love her. the possibilities! the possibilities! despite the possibilities, got to have that girl. i want that girl on our team. i'd love to team up with that girl. i'll work out the details and talk to you later. you won't regret it. i know. she's a wonderful girl. oh, fine, fine, fine, fine. [ sighs ] you're a red-blooded american boy, and you're in love with a witch. hello, samantha. it's darrin. don't hang up! honey, i've been miserable without you. i-i miss you. i want to see you. i want to talk to you. [ receiver clicks ]
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oh, honey, i love you. and i love you. i'm sorry i reacted the way i did. oh, no, now, sweetheart, it was my fault. i just didn't find the right way of telling you about me. maybe i shouldn't have. no, no. you were right. i-i had to find out sooner or later. e have fallen in love with human beings before, and i just didn't have a precedent to go on. come with me. samantha. yes, darrin? you're the most important thing that ever happened to me. i'm glad. i look into the future, i can't even imagine it without you.
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but i-i'm sure i'll be making a lot more soon, and, um... darrin... is this a proposal? it's supposed to be, but, uh, will you help me? i've never done this before. well, i have an idea. what? why don't you just say, "will you marry me?" that's it. samantha.... [ knock on door ] there's someone at the door. go ahead. okay. [ knock on door ] good evening, darrin. oh, uh, larry. ha, ha, ha. hello, samantha. i'm glad you're here. uh, larry, not right now. bear with me, darrin. i've got something wonderful worked out for you two. i think this is gonna be a marvelous marriage.
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we? i've been giving this a lot of thought. we can't miss. samantha, the way you can influence a client will make us the biggest agency in the world. now, just a minute. ah, i know what you're thinking, and don't worry. i'm going to make darrin a vice president with a big increase in salary. i see. that's why you told me you were gonna be making more money. no, samantha. i-i don't know anything about this. well, of course you do. we discussed it in your office. when?! well, i hope you two will be very happy together.
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oh, boy. oh, boy! did you have a nice trip, darling? he would have used me! you would have had me putting spells on clients.
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y tate were ready to cash in on my witchcraft. does larry know? he won't remember any more than you do. phew! good. oh, darrin, how could you? how could i what?! i trusted you. i was ready to give up everything for you. oh, mother warned me about human men, but i thought you were different. i am! i mean, i was. i mean, i would have been. you! you are responsible for all this! everything was fine until you came swooping in here and stirred up the caldron. well, this is my house, you're not welcome, just a minute! that is my mother, and you cannot talk to her that way. well, it may be your mother, but it's my mother-in-law, and that makes her a horse of a different color. did i hear you correctly? did you call my mother a horse? she's all mother-in-law and a yard wide. a yard wide? how dare you! make that two yards. darrin, i never realized how cruel and thoughtless and rude you could be.
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i didn't meet her before i proposed to you. oh, what a terrible thing to say. what a terrible thing to say! well, now you know, darling. he's showing his true colors. you witches think you're so different. well, you're acting just like any ordinary, run-of-the-mill, human mother and daughter. oh, come on, samantha! take the baby and come home to mother. there's no reason to put up with this any longer. hold it, hold it. samantha and the baby are not leaving this house my unconscious body. well, what could be fairer than that? it's all for the best. well, he is my husband. well, let's not quibble about technicalities. technicalities? he's the father of your grandchild. but you've already seen that he never would have married you. you've been pulling that hanky-panky behind my back! now, samantha, you know that i love you. i always have loved you! if you take me back, i'll prove it to you. you're not afraid?
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mother. what? send us back. send us back. again send them back and out of my sight. now, wait a minute! yes? i didn't have anything to do with this idea. no, i take the full credit for it. but think what this would mean, samantha. with the judicious use of your powers, you two could be the wealthiest young couple in the country. in the meantime, you wouldn't be exactly poverty-stricken yourself, would you? ink i would be entitled to a modest amount of fallout, shall we say? for having had the inspiration. well...that's it. i've given you the bare bones of the idea. of course, we'll have to flesh it out a little. larry, take your bones and get out of here! huh? out! what's the matter with you? you sore because i want a piece of the action? there isn't going to be any action. of all the greedy schemes i ever heard of, that is the worst! i'm not gonna let you or anybody else take advantage of samantha!
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not anymore you don't! find yourself another boy! now, you get out of here before i throw you out! how about that?! oh, darrin, you were wonderful. any success i make in the business world, i'm gonna make on my own. and i want you to promise here and now that you won't ever use that...power of yours to help me in any way. i'll do my best. now, uh, where were we? ah, yes. sit down. we are not going to be interrupted again. i'm not going to let anybody through that door. [ ding! ] mother! how dare you come crashing in here! he was just about to propose. forgive me, darling. i thought he'd like to meet your mother first. it's the acid test, you know. [ ding! ] oh, you're -- sam-- uh, darrin. dear, um, i'd like you to meet my mother. mother?
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uh, how do you do? any mother of samantha's is a mother of m-- endora: oh! so human. why, he isn't even good-looking. i think he's adorable. well, that settles that. [ ding! ] [ ding! ] [ ding! ] [ ding! ] [ doorknob rattles ] [ ding! ] i don't care what you do to me, you can't keep me away from samantha. [ ding! ] no? now, mother, you stop that. i'm not gonna stand by and see you make a fool of yourself. okay, mom, knock it off! mom?!
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daughter or not, you can't talk that way to the girl i'm going to marry. [ ding! ] darrin, is that a proposal? i've had enough interruptions! will you marry me, yes or no?! those are the sweetest words i ever heard. will you answer me?! oh, yes. made it, huh? you sure did. isn't that sickening? not to us, it isn't. you both acted just like children. don't you think it's just a little bit childish not to admit when you're wrong? don't be a bad sport, mom. well, i am. [ ding! ]
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tsk. -- captions by vitac -- [knocking] come in. good morning, dr. bellows. good morning, major. [exhales] nothing like isometric exercises for keeping up body tone. [laughing] oh, yes, of course. major healey said you wanted to see me, sir. you were scheduled to go on the apollo earth orbit mission this week. yes, sir. i've been working on project rainbow, and-. did you say--? did you say "were scheduled"? i'm afraid you're not gonna be able to go. but i've been training for six months. i'm aware of that. perhaps you've been overtraining, major. well, is there anything wrong with my reflexes-- oh, no. it's not your reflexes. it's your eyes. my eyes?
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have you been doing an unusual amount of, uh, reading or paperwork lately? well, uh, just the usual reports regarding the mission, but i'm sure any eye strain is just temporary. i'm sure it is, major, but, uh... meanwhile, you're grounded. sir, you can't ground me, i'm-- i'm-- i'm sorry, major. i understand your disappointment, but as chief medical officer, it's my responsibility to evaluate the fitness of all personnel. you failed the eye test. amination in the morning, so that we can determine the best course of treatment. i see, well, that's-- that's very kind. afterward, um, why don't you take a month off and, uh, go fishing somewhere, hm? well, thank you, sir. i hope you don't mind if i appeal this to general peterson. mm, no. and i've never felt better in my life, general. now, dr. bellows will tell you that with the exception of this slight eye strain in my right eye, i'm in perfect health.
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there's anybody on the base that knows more about project rainbow than i do. and, well, after all, we're not gonna be reading eye charts up there, are we? so if you would give me the green light, i can go ahead with my preflight briefing. i'm sorry to go over your head on this, dr. bellows, but general peterson understands a little bit more about these kind of things than you do. isn't that right, sir?
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it's not fair, roger. it's just not fair. they give me so much paperwork, i can't see straight. and then when i can't see straight, they-- they don't let me go up on the mission. look, i know it's rough, tony.
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d relax your eyes. there's absolutely nothing wrong with my eyes. you know what i missed? two lousy, little letters on the bottom of the line. the way they're carrying on, you'd think i was going blind. will you calm down? how can i calm down when somebody's taking my place? here. two letters, gee, that-- that's too bad. wait a minute. wait a minute! could you get dr. bellows to give you that test again? he's giving me a check in the morning, but what's the point? the point is, tomorrow you can pass it. how? how? jeannie! jeannie? beverley. huh? oh, i'm sorry. no, forget it. just forget it. now, listen, the last time she tried to help me, i almost got court-martialed. yeah-- no, no, forget it. the space program and jeannie just don't mix. yeah, but if a genie-- what's a genie for if she can't help when you're in trouble? yeah, well, that's what i used to think, roger. but it doesn't work out that way. every time she tries to help me, i'm in real trouble. i mean real trouble. now, don't mention this to her, and i mean it.
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all right. well, i still think you're not seeing this too clearly. not seeing-- not seeing this too clearly. [chuckling] that's a joke. well, i'll-- i'll see you later. tony: hello, jeannie. oh, hello, master. you're home early. yes, yes. is something wrong? no, no, no, everything's fine. just, just fine. matter of fact, i have a surprise for you. i'm gonna take you out to dinner tonight, and then i thought we'd go to that-- that movie you wanted to go to. the thing about cleopatra. oh, master! what about your mission? oh, they, uh-- they cancelled that. oh, why did they cancel it? mm, technical difficulties, you know. is that all?
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. oh, but master, i know how much this mission means to you. you've been working on it for months. we will go to the movies some other time. no, no, really, really. i don't need any help, jeannie. uh, we're gonna go to the movies tonight and then you can-- you can think about what we're gonna do for the next four weeks. the next four weeks? mm-hm. yeah, yeah, they've given me a vacation. isn't that wonderful? major healey. jeannie, jeannie, jeannie, i wish you wouldn't do that. oh, i am sorry, major healey. but i came here because i am worried. you're worried? you wanna feel a tom-tom? something has upset major nelson. who told you that? oh, no one told me, but i was not born yesterday, major healey. i'll say. he is not going on his mission, and he will not talk about it. well, if he's not gonna talk about it, i'm not.
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i didn't say that! now, look, you be a nice, little genie and just run on home, and we can talk about this some other time, right? but-- now, any time you want-- major healey, why are they giving major nelson four-weeks vacation? well, why not? please, tell me. i'm sorry, my lips are sealed. major healey... forget it! i promised tony i wouldn't tell you-- he has bad eyes! [groaning] oh, boy, you certainly know how to scare a guy. major nelson has beautiful eyes. yeah, well to you, maybe, but he failed his eye test and he's being grounded. no wonder he was so unhappy. well, why did he not tell me? maybe it's because you didn't set him on fire. he did not wish to worry me. i don't think that's the reason. jeannie, if i were you, i'd just stay out of this. oh, well, of course i will not stay out of it, but he is my master. i love helping him.
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will you do me a favor? what? don't tell him i told you. i'm getting too old to make new friends. certainly, well, i will say nothing. well, uh-- thank you, major healey. drop in any time. bye-bye. bring your own matches. [clears throat] oh, hi, jeannie. how are--? where have you been? oh, i just went out to get a breath of fresh air. oh? i worry about you when you're-- when you're not around. oh, do you, master? hm.
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nothing, as long as her master is happy. are you happy, master? oh, yes, yes, i'm very happy. oh, i feel just wonderful. i-- i'll tell you what. why don't you go and get ready, and we'll get the early show tonight? i'm due at dr. bellows' office for a little examination tomorrow morning, huh? oh, do not worry. i'm sure everything will be just fine. [chuckling] oh, sure, sure. have a wonderful day, master. thank you, jeannie. i won't be gone long. um, what would you like to do today? go to another movie? oh, well, no, master. too many movies are bad for my eyes. oh, well, um, what do you say i pick you up, we'll go down to the beach.
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nderful, but, uh, what about your work? oh, they'll find somebody else to do that. he has beautiful eyes. he can see better than anybody else in the world.
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"p-l-d-p-b-t-l-d-p-b-l." aw, good morning, major nelson. oh, good morning, dr. bellows. roll up your sleeve, please. oh, all right, sir. how are we feeling this morning? well, we're feeling just fine. uh, did you know my vision cleared up? has it? yeah. why, that's remarkable. yeah, the eye strain just went away like that. did it? mm. d night's sleep last night. it's amazing what a good night's sleep will do for you. you know, i-i was really worried for a while i wasn't gonna be able to make project rainbow. and, uh, now, you're not worrying? [chuckling] no. no, sir. i'm not worried at all. i think you'll find i have 20-20 vision. hm, good. blood pressure normal. i think you'll find everything normal, sir. nothing to worry about. mm. all right, major. shall we, uh, read the eye chart again?
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bellows: sit down, major. tony: yes. would you like me to start at the top or the bottom? why don't you start at the bottom. we'll try a different chart. oh, uh, excuse me a minute, major. uh, i'll be right back. major nelson's file and bring it in here, please? of course, dr. bellows. where is it? [stammering] "q-p-o--" no. "o-p-q-- o-p." what is it? "o-p... o-p--" [magic boings] fine, i'll get it right away. thank you.
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you should wear a robe, sir? a robe? what for? well, aren't you afraid you'll catch cold? [giggling] why would i be afraid of catching cold? oh-- ahem. i don't know. there's no reason, really. oh, come in. bellows: thank you, miss gordon. will there be anything else, doctor? no, that will be fine. doctor, if you'd like me to wait, i'd-- of course i don't want you to wait. you're gonna read that eye chart again. yeah? nice seeing you again, major. oh, well, it's certainly been nice seeing you. now, major, shall we go on? sir, should she, uh--?
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well, you saw her. she was wearing, you know, her underthings. well, i should hope so. hope so? major nelson, can we get on with the examination? yes, oh, yes, yes. would you read the bottom line of the chart, please? uh, "p-r-i- v-a-t-e." major, i'm afraid your eyes are worse. you didn't get a single letter right. i can see it right there. but it doesn't say "p-r-i-v--" that spells "private." yes, sir. it's on a door to a room, and there's a-- there's a conference going on in the room. i can see through the wall. did you say you could see through the wall? yeah-- did i say i could see through the wall? bellows: i heard you. you said you could see through the walls into the room and that there was a conference going on. is that what you said, major?
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in your underwear. my underwear? yes. you can see through my uniform? yes, sir. what color shorts am i wearing? blue. with your monogram. remarkable. you have x-ray eyes. well, who's in that conference? general peterson, uh, mr. harris, mr. rogers and colonel sackheim. jea-- jeannie! jeannie. how is it going, master? oh, i'll tell you how it's going. you should ask. it's gone. i'm-- i'm finished. washed up. oh, but i was only trying to help you, master. yeah, i-- don't say it. just please don't say it. who told you about my eyes anyway?
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i'll kill him. i swear, i'll-- i'll kill him. well, i thought that if you had x-ray eyes, they would let you go on your mission. mission? they won't let me outside of this room. the problem could be-- general peterson, mr. harris, mr. rogers and colonel sackheim. dr. bellows. he was right. do you realize we're in the middle of a private conference? uh, yes, sir. that's why i came in. uh, major nelson saw it from the examination room. dr. bellows, i said we're in the middle of a private conference. uh, uh, general, may i see you for a moment, please? oh, uh, excuse us, gentlemen. major nelson... has x-ray eyes. he has x-ray eyes. yes, sir. uh, he saw you through the walls. gentlemen, if you'll excuse me for a moment, there's, uh, something i have to take care of.
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all right, doctor. jeannie, if you'd stayed out of this, i would have had a chance. now, will you please stop helping me. i will do anything you ask. all right, then change my eyes back the way they were. i-i am not sure i can do that. what do you mean you're not sure? well, i have never done this before. uh, must they be exactly the way they were? exactly? my-- my mission was scrubbed that chart. just two! yes, they must be exactly. i-i will try, master. [magic boings] jeannie: how is that? huh? what do you mean? oh, uh, dr. bellows? dr. bellows, i-i-- general peterson, sir. that's the man with the x-ray eyes? just wait, general. it's remarkable. uh, major. read the chart.
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the chart. [smashing, water spilling] are you through, doctor? general, i tell you, this man can see through the walls. why, he can even see me in my underwear. my father begged me to go into banking, and i wouldn't listen to him. major. yes? tell him, uh-- what am i wearing? you're wearing, oh-- uh, you're wearing your blue uniform, sir. blue uniform. what about my blue shorts? yes, what about your blue shorts? doctor, i'm going back to my conference now. i don't wanna be disturbed again. any questions? no, general. oh, i got 'em, sir. "m-o-o-r--" uh-- "r-n--" why me? "o-i-t-a." i've got it right here, sir. doctor? uh, doctor, don't leave me. doctor, please. oh, uh, i'm terribly sorry.
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this section over here, senator, is our medical department. this is where our astronauts, uh, take their preflight examinations. uh, these are some of the offices of the men around here, and as you can see, uh, right over the corridor-- excuse me. uh-- who is that? that was one of our astronauts, sir. and, um-- one of our astronauts? excuse me, sir. oh, coffee machine. [slowly] "anthony nelson." tony, what happened to you? i'll tell you what happened to me. i got a big mouth for a friend, that's what-- i-i got a big mouth for a friend. i asked you not to tell jeannie. well, what did she do to you?
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how are you feeling, master? i'll tell you how i'm feeling, i'm the only astronaut in the program that needs a seeing eye dog. oh, would you like to have a seeing eye-- no! no, i-- i want my 20-20 vision back. can't you fix him up? well, i must say it is rather nice to have him like this. this way, he cannot look at other girls. yeah... jeannie, please! yes, master, 20-20 vision. what is she do--? what is she doing? i am working on your 20-20 vision, master. it is not easy. perhaps if you went to an eye doctor? oh, please! twenty-twenty vision. [magic boings] are you feeling better, master?
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[thud] oh, master, master. master.
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i am so excited that i am going to play golf with you. yeah, uh, no, i'm playing the golf. you're gonna caddy, remember? oh, i do not care. as long as i am with you. i've been good all week. your eyes are fine now. thank you very much. oh, i am just sorry that i was not able to fix them in time for you to go up on your mission. oh, that's all right, jeannie. there'll be other missions. i had no idea that perfect eyes were so important to an astronaut. oh, yes, perfect vision, perfect reflexes, perfect hearing, perfect-- perfect hearing? mm-hm. [magic boings] now you have perfect hearing, master. master, i just gave you perfect hearing.
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master? oh, no. oh. jeannie, you're kidding. oh, i did it again. you've gotta be kidding. oh! jeannie. [doorbell rings] master! [buzzing] [doorbell rings] oh, m-master, someone is at the front door. [continues buzzing] [doorbell rings] roger: tony! anybody home? [sighs] [doorbell rings] good morning, major healey. oh, hi, jeannie. uh, where's tony? oh, major nelson is getting dressed. oh. would you like breakfast? no, i'm too excited to eat. phew. oh! has something happened? oh, i-i'll say. i just got a call from a friend who handles the miss universe beauty contest.
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oh! how about that? ooh. uh, you want major nelson to go out with a beautiful girl tonight? yeah, i gotta let him-- let him know by 6:00. oh, but major nelson is taking me out to dinner. well, no offense, jeannie, but, uh, major nelson can go out with you any night. these girls are pretty special. phew. am i not special? let's let major nelson decide who he's gonna take to dinner. oh, i-- i do not think so. jeannie, is that somebody at the door? no? hey, tony, have i got news-- [barks] [whining]
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come on, major healey, you are going for a little walk. [barking] jeannie, is that a dog? go away, major healey.
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are you going to take me out to dinner tonight, master? sure, of course. we have a date, remember? hah. well, i was not sure whether you remembered. yeah, i could of sworn i heard a dog barking in here. shall i wear this tonight, master? [giggling] hey, that's lovely. oh, i am glad that it pleases you, master. yeah. where's roger? roger? you know, major healey. major healey? yeah, what's goin' on around here anyhow? what's going on around here? yeah. everything i say? i-- i heard roger's voice, and then i-- i-- i heard a dog bark... have you done something with roger? where should we go for dinner tonight? where--? where's major healey? we can go dancing. now-- answer my question, jeannie. whe--? where's major healey? now, come on. well, i do not know where major healey is, master. yeah, but he was here, though, wasn't he? yes, master. who barked?
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why did you do a thing like that? i thought you like major healey. oh, yes, master, i am very fond of him. wh-what made you do that? well, i-i-i will tell you after 6:00. oh, no, jeannie, you're gonna tell me right now. i want you to change him back into-- into roger. ch-- come on. oh, but i told you, master, i do not know where he is. but, jeannie, what's the matter? well, he-- he ran out the front door. well, he hadn't had a chance to go very far. honestly, i-- sometimes i can't understand you. hey, roge. roge. come here, boy. come here. good morning, major nelson. oh, good morning. what's the matter? did you lose somebody? oh, yes. i lost my dog. roger? yes, have you seen him? well, i don't know. what kind of a dog is he? oh, he's a-- uh-- major, you don't know what kind of dog you've got? uh, he's new. oh, well, did he have a license? i doubt it, why? because if you didn't,
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uck from the dog pound was just here. the dog pound? oh, yes, they're very strict about dogs roaming around cocoa beach. well, what'll they do to him? don't ask. jeannie, where are you? jeannie? hey, will you stop that. i'm gonna get you straightened out just as soon as i can find jeannie. now, look, pull yourself together, will ya? on general peterson's desk by 6:00. i can't do it myself. i don't have the sufficient data. [growls] well, now, don't get mad at me. i am the one who asked you to work last night, but, no, no, you were too busy. you were-- and now look at the shape-- just look at the shape you're in. boy, if it's not one thing with you, it's another. if it's not-- good-- good morning. good morning, sir. how--? uh, good morning. that great dane is gonna help you with your input computer report, major? oh, no, of course not, sir.
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ver, i named him after major healey. interesting. [giggling] uh, where is major healey? oh, i have a feeling he's not too far away, sir. he's not in his office. tell him that general peterson is very anxious that that report be on his desk by 6:00. i've told him. i-i mean, i'll tell him. i'll see you at the base. [dog barks] hm. oh, and by the way... don't bring rover. [giggling] oh, go ahead. go ahead. enjoy yourself. enjoy-- i-i want you to turn this dog right back into roger right now. come on. [laughing] oh. i am afraid i cannot do that, master. wh--? why not? because this is not major healey. [laughing] you have the wrong dog. are you sure?
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come on, let's go. oh, where are we going, master? we're going back to the dog pound before it's too late. come on. oh, you go, master. i have some ironing to do. come on. oh! jeannie! come back here, jeannie. come on, roger's a friend of yours, and he's in trouble. and if we don't get that-- that report on general peterson's desk by 6:00, we're all gonna be in trouble. come on, jeannie. something the matter? yeah, uh, this isn't my dog. it isn't? no, no, it just looks like my dog. joe. [dog barking] hey, there's my dog. there's roger. you couldn't tell that from that? uh, i'm nearsighted.
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hi. come here, boy. hey, what do you think you're doin'? oh, uh, this is my dog. no, it ain't. i just bought it for my kid. well, i'm-- i'm afraid you're gonna have to un-buy him, because it's-- it's my dog. does this dog belong to me or don't he? he does now. why don't you pick another one. they all look alike to you, anyway. i don't want another one. i want this one. i want roger. [whimpering] . let's go, kid. just wait a minute, please. you heard what the man said. it's my dog. yeah, look, th-the dog's been in my family for over 10 years, uh-- he looks like a puppy. oh, no, no, he's old-- old and-- and-- and sick. oh, boy, is he sick. [growls fiercely] i want him. what my son wants, he gets. i'll tell you what. i'll pay you. i'll give you $10 for him. let's go, kid. twenty dollars?
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you're getting warmer. there you are. four hundred and fifty dollars. you sure must be crazy about that dog. yeah, believe me, you have no idea. come on, boy. there we are. oh, come on, roge, knock it off, will ya? everybody's watchin'. i want him, papa. well, uh, if-- if you'll excuse me. uh, thank you-- thanks again. roger and i have a lot to do. the first thing he should do is get his eyes examined. [whistling] i'm sorry about this, roger, but i think it's just as well that nobody knows you are here except me, huh? listen, uh, i'll have jeannie turn you back, uh, to your normal self just as soon as we get through with this report. now, here's the problem. i'm having a little--
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, it's the, uh, convertible fuel ratios that are giving me the trouble. now, if they're right, i want you to bark once. here, okay? now, take a look at this. would you con--? concentrate? uh, now, how about that? [barks] i was afraid of that. all right, now, how--? how about this one? [barks] look, look, look. hey, look. oh, good, good. that narrows it down. now, the only thing we really have to worry about is dr. bellows. our great dane? m-my--? my great dane? yes, uh, you're computing with him now? computing? oh, uh, oh, no, sir. no, no, i was just thinking out loud. uh, he just wandered in. he's a cute little fella. [growls fiercely] then that's not your dog? no, no. you're quite sure of that? yes, of course. good, then i'll take him. oh, what for, sir? well, uh, general peterson and i are discussing sending a dog up into space, i-- i think we just found that dog.
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jeannie: ? ooh ? jeannie? ? ooh-ooh-ooh ? jeannie? ? ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ? hi. wha--? oh, hello, master. they're sending roger into orbit. oh, is that not what an astronaut is supposed to do? not with his tail wagging. why did you do this to him? i-i-i cannot tell you. did he do anything to hurt your feelings? no, master. well, i'm sure roger would never do anything to hurt me. oh, of course not, master. then what is it?! well, i-i will tell you after 6:00. six o'clock is gonna be too late.
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yes. i am sorry, major healey. fine friend of a friend you turned out to be. i had to do it. why? all i was trying to do was get him a date. i mean, what's so terrible about that? well, i-i was afraid that he might think his date was prettier than i am. genies in my life, but you're ridiculous. well, y-you don't know how much i love major nelson. all right. we'll forget about it. do you mean that? sure, i mean that. i mean, who needs miss universe, anyway? what is she? just another girl, right? right. she's probably very-- very beautiful and very talented, or she wouldn't win the contest or wouldn't be in the contest, anyway, right? right. and she probably has a... marvelous figure, right?
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with the most beautiful, talented girl in the whole world? you just said you do not care, that you would not ever-- well, forget it. oh, please, major healey. i will do anything you want. i-- forget it! [whimpers] [whimpers] [sighs] master. huh? i cannot do it. jeannie, you can't go around turning astronauts into french poodles. oh, yes, i can. [chuckling] oh, yeah, i know you can, but i don't want you to. you wanna please me, don't you? oh, yes, master. i would do anything in the world for you. then change roger back-- except that. look, you can't let them send him up into orbit. please, not as a dog, not as a french poodle. oh, dear. oh, come on. now, what do you say, huh? come on. may i have another minute to think about it?
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well, i'm truly sorry about this, major healey. well, then do me a favor, will you? will you stop blinking your eyes and let me walk out of here on all twos? i want to... but first you must promise not to make any more dates for major nelson. well, jeannie, i wasn't planning on getting him married. i mean, what are you getting so excited about, anyway? all we are gonna do is go out and have a-- have a simple little dinner. anything wrong with that? well, no. then i thought we'd go somewhere and, uh, well, maybe... maybe go dancing. and is there anything wrong with that? no. well, then i thought maybe we could, uh... well, we'd drive down to the beach, and, uh... park underneath the moon, and we'd... turn on the radio for a little soft music. and then? [sighs] [gasps]
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hello, roger. [whines] or whatever your name is. you have a secret, and we're going to find out what it is. yes, we're gonna find out what it is. uh, come in. good, he's still here. you wanted to see me, major nelson? i wanted to see the two of you, sir. the two of us? yes, sir. you can't send this dog into orbit, sir. because... this is roger. [whimpers] i know. roger rover. no, sir. roger roger. i mean, roger healey. uh-uh. major, you're trying to do it to me again. oh, no. no, i'm not trying to do anything to you, sir. y-you remember when you heard me trying to tell him about the solid fuel ratios? mm-hm. well, the only other person in the world who knows that mathematical formula is... is major healey. yes?
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but how can that--? well, i'm gonna have to tell you the whole story. it's-- the whole story? yes, it started about a year ago-- don't say another word. i'll be right back. [whimpers] i'm dr. alfred bellows. yes, sir. and you're major nelson? yes, sir. and that's major healey? yes, sir. i'll be right back. don't go away, major healey. master. [growls fiercely] you will be thrown out of the space program. well, i-- i had no choice. i told you i wasn't gonna let them put-- do not talk like that, master. now, listen-- i-- "general peterson, major roger healey is a poodle dog."
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and then i'll say: "sir, this time i've got the evidence. "the dog is in my office. "major nelson admits it's major healey, "and major healey is missing. no one has seen him all day." and then he'll look at me, and he'll say: "a poodle dog? how do you explain that, doctor?" "who can explain anything in the world of major nelson? "i'm warning you, doctor, if this is another one of your fantasies..." "fantasies don't bark, general." or do they? --absolutely me wits' end. what are we gonna do? well, i think you've done quite enough already. [barks] uh, oh... nna ve to tell him the uth.
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oh, boy. major nelson. oh, yes, sir? i came to take major poodle-- uh, major healey. --to see general peterson. where's the dog? the dog? oh, there's the dog, sir. uh, he-- he knows who i am. we've been friends a long time. but you're a poodle. well, i've been called a sly dog before, but-- i mean a "poodle" poodle. where's that dog? hm? where's the dog? oh, the dog? well, the dog is, uh... oh, yes, the dog... well, it's, uh... oh, it's right there. oh, the dog. he's white. before he was a gray poodle. before that it was a great dane. i saw them. the great dane, the gray poodle and now the white poodle. and they're all major healey? well, uh, no, not ex-- don't say another word. i am going home to lie down. [sighs] i don't believe it. you don't believe it? i don't believe it. oh.
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you get into trouble. you couldn't let me get into trouble?! then why did you do this, anyway? yeah. yeah, and you, uh, listen. tell me why she did this. do you know how much i have invested in you? four hundred and fifty bucks. now, come on, clue me in. well, you see, there was this, uh, telephone call, see? and then, we, uh, had, uh-- around the, uh...
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jeannie. you ready? jeannie. coming, master. whoa. [chuckles] yes, that's lovely. absolutely lovely.
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i-i am looking forward to our date. me too. let us go. mm-hm. [ringing] uh, just a minute. hello. oh, it's major nelson here. no, n-- major healey's not here. who? miss universe? oh...he did? she didn't? uh, yes, yes, i would be-- i would be honored to take you out to dinner, uh, both major healey and myself. but-- yeah, i'll pick you up in about a half an hour. well, uh-- if it's more convenient to meet here, it's fine. i'll call major healey. y-ye-- yes, i-i'm terribly sorry about the mix-up. [chuckling] yeah. goodbye. jeannie. you, uh, are not going to take me out to dinner tonight? i'm not gonna take you anywhere.
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yeah, well, i know exactly what you wanted, and now i know why you did that to roger. i won't be pushed around that easily. i'm still the master around here. yes, master. uh, oh, roger, how long would it take you to get in a dinner jacket and get over here? there you are. [sighs] thank you. you sure this is all right with, uh, you-know-who, ahem? absolutely. it's my house. i'm the master of it. you're the master. isn't that right, jeannie? yes, master. good. that's right. well, neither have i. hey, does this dress look okay? fine. [sighs] [rings doorbell] they're here. yeah. uh, good night, jeannie. don't wait up for me. no, master. have a good time. oh, i will. i'm sorry to have to do this to you, but i feel you really needed a lesson. yes, master. you're really rough on her. sometimes you have to be. oh.
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[dogs yipping] [???] good morning. hello dear. what's that? what does it look like? looks like you're about to take a mud bath. it's "hotscakes" batter with chocolate syrup. yuchhhh. would you like to have some sausages with your "hotscakes"? yeah, that'll be fine. "hotscakes" and sausages are comin' up! uh...on second thought, i think i'll make myself some eggs. mrs. douglas! you dumb clod! mr. douglas! what are you doing hiding back there? i'm not hiding. i was going to cook some eggs. why don't you use a bowl? it's a lot neater than breakin' 'em in your hand. ohh...! mrs. douglas, there's a letter came for you, from budapest.

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